I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
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Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.