I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
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“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
🤣🤣🤣
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac