Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
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exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now