friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
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Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ