We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
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The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.