Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
You Might Also Like
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on