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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Friday night party time 🥳
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
step 6: release the wall snake
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
We’ve all been there
finally
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday