Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
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The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Well, that didn’t work.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
You can’t rush stupid.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?