Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
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Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
*frowns in Scottish*
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
This took me a second..
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.