CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
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[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*