I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
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I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.