Human are so complicated
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If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
fair
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.