I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect