[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
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The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Please do it!
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.