There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
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My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
#Caturday
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?