At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
A huge thanks to the person that did this
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.