cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
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The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*