If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
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My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I think this cat is broken
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000