Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
You Might Also Like
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”