My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox