My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
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Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
*offers Batman cough drops*
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.