Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
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please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.