Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
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Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Most fashion shows these days…
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
umm…
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”