Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
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Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Anyone really
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me