YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.