Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
same bro
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.