[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?