Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
You Might Also Like
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Human are so complicated
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess