Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
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*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
*puts my mental health in rice
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.