the council will decide your fate
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What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)