Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
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Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.