If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
You Might Also Like
this is the best interaction on twitter
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass