My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
You Might Also Like
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I can’t stop laughing at this
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.