Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?