Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
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Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!