I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
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You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer