The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
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I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.