me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!