looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
こいつ天才
The honesty is refreshing
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no