HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
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(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Breaking news:
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.