the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
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we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
wut hotdog?
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.