friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius