Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.