*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
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Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.