My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
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My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.