Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
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Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.