Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.