me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
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CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Try and stop me.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Every photo I’m tagged in
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.