Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
You Might Also Like
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.