they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂